Melee Caps Kramer Contest; Hundreds Flee Civic Center

Buzzing, Vibrating Box Frightens Capacity Crowd

(AP) No winners were crowned at this year's 6th Annual Stepfanie Kramer Look-Alike Contest. Instead, Roanoke, Virginia hospitals were crowded with patients trampled and covered with crap.

Contest host Bob Saget is currently seeking psychiatric treatment.

Things started to wrong when a stained, buzzing box was delivered backstage. Contestants were evacuated and the Metro bomb squad had to be called in. It was determined by authorities that the box contained one "Lil' Honeybee" vibrator covered in a viscous, sticky fluid. The box also contained a clipping from National Enquirer, detailing actress Loretta Swit's recent release from a sexual reprogramming center. The contest went on as scheduled, with Stepfanie Kramer lookalike Misty Blue Rosenberg of Blue Ball, Pennsylvania taking the lead.

Halfway through the "Pin the Tie On Fred Dryer" segment, a strange scent began to fill the auditorium. It was written off initially as an overflowing toilet and no one thought anything else of it until a crack appeared right in the center of the Civic Center's floor. What was thought to be mud began seeping out. At closer inspection, the substance turned out to be raw sewage.

The crowd rushed toward the auditorium doors but was blocked by knee-deep sewage that had spilled into the lobby. The torrent of waste also flowed through a Food Clown grocery store next door, killing several potted plants. The rest escaped with minor injuries.

Host Saget and judges Irlene Mandrell, Billy Mays, Markie Post and HR Pufnstuf all ran for the 1984 Dodge Daytona that was supposed to be given away as the grand prize. Instead, they discovered Loretta Swit in the back seat, naked and talking on a Star Tac phone that wasn't turned on. The smell inside the car is reported to have been worse than the stench of the Civic Center. Mandrell passed out and had to be carried out on Mr. Pufnstuf's back. Saget was rendered catatonic at the sight of Swit's body. He later described her breasts as looking like "tennis balls in tube socks".

Swit was arrested for indecent exposure with other charges pending. Cleanup is estimated in the millions. Several lawsuits have already been filed against the Civic Center and Almost Stepfanie LLC.

When asked for her reaction to the incident, Kramer just shrugged and said, "Well, it works for me."