Sunday, September 23, 2007

More Kramer Contest Fallout

Chips Chain and Convention Center Sued

Roanoke, VA - Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips LLC and Roanoke Civic Center Auditorium are being sued by contestants, audience members, judges and hosts of the 2007 Stepfanie Kramer Look-Alike Contest.

The contest ended in shambles due to an uncontrolled sewage leak and an appearance by Loretta Swit.

The winner would have been spokeswoman for Treacher's for the upcoming year. The flailing chain has been a long-time sponsor of the prestige event, providing catering and cash incentives to the community.

Host Bob Saget has been discharged from Western State Mental Hospital and is now being treated privately. He's named in several of the suits.

"We're pretty sure one incident is tied to the other," said Roanoke police chief Barry Derryterry. "Swit's known to leave a mess in her wake, but we've had the darndest time finding her."

A citywide search of Portapotties and public bathrooms with so-called "glory holes" has proven unsuccessful.

Actress Stepfanie Kramer has released this statement:

"I have never been connected to this pageant and wouldn't set foot in Roanoke, Virginia unless the streets were paved with gold and donkeys shit Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream. "

A motions hearing is scheduled in Roanoke federal counrt for November 12.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

The Circus Fire

A silver shield protects the beating heart,
Like the gas-soaked canvas protects the rings
The unmarked grave under the birch tree
is covered with the dry leaves of autumn
colored like candy apples.

Snow scours the top of the grave in June
and the world turns upside down
as the flaming tent turns inside out.
Animals roar as the flames lick the corners
and humans are animals as well.

She stood looking down, contemplating jumping
her heart beating silver against her chest
No one noticed her until she was under the white sheet
one arm sticking out, lost of promises
long after the animals deserted.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Melee Caps Kramer Contest; Hundreds Flee Civic Center

Buzzing, Vibrating Box Frightens Capacity Crowd

(AP) No winners were crowned at this year's 6th Annual Stepfanie Kramer Look-Alike Contest. Instead, Roanoke, Virginia hospitals were crowded with patients trampled and covered with crap.

Contest host Bob Saget is currently seeking psychiatric treatment.

Things started to wrong when a stained, buzzing box was delivered backstage. Contestants were evacuated and the Metro bomb squad had to be called in. It was determined by authorities that the box contained one "Lil' Honeybee" vibrator covered in a viscous, sticky fluid. The box also contained a clipping from National Enquirer, detailing actress Loretta Swit's recent release from a sexual reprogramming center. The contest went on as scheduled, with Stepfanie Kramer lookalike Misty Blue Rosenberg of Blue Ball, Pennsylvania taking the lead.

Halfway through the "Pin the Tie On Fred Dryer" segment, a strange scent began to fill the auditorium. It was written off initially as an overflowing toilet and no one thought anything else of it until a crack appeared right in the center of the Civic Center's floor. What was thought to be mud began seeping out. At closer inspection, the substance turned out to be raw sewage.

The crowd rushed toward the auditorium doors but was blocked by knee-deep sewage that had spilled into the lobby. The torrent of waste also flowed through a Food Clown grocery store next door, killing several potted plants. The rest escaped with minor injuries.

Host Saget and judges Irlene Mandrell, Billy Mays, Markie Post and HR Pufnstuf all ran for the 1984 Dodge Daytona that was supposed to be given away as the grand prize. Instead, they discovered Loretta Swit in the back seat, naked and talking on a Star Tac phone that wasn't turned on. The smell inside the car is reported to have been worse than the stench of the Civic Center. Mandrell passed out and had to be carried out on Mr. Pufnstuf's back. Saget was rendered catatonic at the sight of Swit's body. He later described her breasts as looking like "tennis balls in tube socks".

Swit was arrested for indecent exposure with other charges pending. Cleanup is estimated in the millions. Several lawsuits have already been filed against the Civic Center and Almost Stepfanie LLC.

When asked for her reaction to the incident, Kramer just shrugged and said, "Well, it works for me."

Monday, September 3, 2007

The Unbearable Sadness Of Vegetables

It wasn’t until much later, when they caught the First Lutheran Church standing over the body of another housewife over in Cass County, that they realized that the spire had been stalking and murdering women for years. This explained why so many women got that creepy feeling that someone was watching them - and when they turned around, they just saw a church. Later, they’d think: wait a minute. There’s no church in our side yard. And by then the church would be gone.

Hurray for James Lileks!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

The 6th Annual Stepfanie Kramer Look-Alike Contest

If you're a woman between the ages of 15 and 60, keep reading because this could be your ticket to Hollywood!

Each year, the Roanoke Civic Center and Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips are proud to present the Stepfanie Kramer Look-Alike Contest. Contestants have a chance at winning fabulous prizes and get to meet some terrific celebrities.

The rules are simple: just look like Stepfanie Kramer. This involves a lot of makeup, preferably Wet-N-Wild from your local Dollar General Store. Make sure the emphasis is on heavy, heavy eyeliner. Miss Kramer told us she used to use Magic Marker.

Now that you've got the makeup, how about that hair? A half bottle of mousse will keep your bangs sticking straight up in the air and lots of cheap, flaky hairspray will "heighten" the effect.

Top this off with some big earrings, pleated pants that practically ride up under your armpits and a Kmart silk shirt. That's a smart look for the young woman on the go!

This year's celebrity judges represent the tops in the entertainment field. Irlene Mandrell, Billy Mays, H.R. Pufnstuf and Markie Post will rate and review the contestants. There will also be a tribute to longtime judge Charles Nelson Reilly, who passed away this year and is now mincing away somewhere in heaven. Miss Mandrell will sing a version of her sister's hit "If Loving You Isn't Right, I Don't Wish To Be Incorrect" as the choir from the Church Of the Golden Fried Prophecy sings "Don't Ride On the Lord's Bus If You Ain't Got Correct Change".

We apologize to contestants for the absence of longtime judge Loretta Swit. There was an unfortunate incident last year when she threw a used Depends on the stage, tripping Miss Stepfanie Kramer Look-Alike Betty Sue Bojangles of Crump, Tennessee. Swit is not allowed within the confines of the Star City anymore.

Aside from makeup, clothes and running in high heels, contestants will be judged for how they react when a male bursts in on them taking a bath. This scene is in the "Hunter" credits. If you can't find a willing guy to surprise you, how about Dad?

Contestants will compete for a date at Bennihana with Fred Dryer (who always likes a happy ending!), the complete 4th season of "Hunter" on VHS as recorded by someone in Springfield, Massachusetts, a ten dollar gift certificate to the Bonanza restaurant of your choice and the grand prize, a semi-mint condition 1984 Dodge Daytona.

Good luck, and knock them dead!

Note: Pageant is not endorsed by Stepfanie Kramer. $1,000 entrance fee due at audition day. Winners are chosen solely on their blowjob skills. Void where prohibited by hygiene laws.