Jackass A Deux

JACKASS A DEUX: How "MASH" Star Loretta Swit Swings Into Her Seventies

"I'm Loretta Swit, and this is Jackass." For five years, this mere utterance has meant chaos is soon to follow. What will it be today, gorging on dairy products or firecracker enemas?

Whatever the day may bring, "MASH" alum Swit says the new job is a dream come true. "In 1983 I was worried about how I'd top 'MASH'. Just the other day, when I hit Alan Alda in the nuts with an aluminum softball bat, I was thinking about how the world comes around. I'm in the director's chair now," she smiles, showing off her gleaming white teeth caked with the remains of Oreo cookies.

It hasn't been all bats and nuts. For years, Swit suffered a crippling obsessive-compulsive disorder that involved ritual sex and painful mouth sores. "It's still a struggle," she sighs. "I have to channel my compulsions into better things, like sewing and tantric yoga."

Anyone who's seen the show is familiar with her sidekick, Ben Schumin. Maybe sidekick isn't such a good word - Ben is usually on the wrong end of Loretta's abuse. The most recent episode involved a trip to a sex shop, where Schumin had a 16 inch phallus manually inserted into his rectum by a midget. Swit also launched him down a San Francisco street in a little red wagon. He was wearing only clothespins on his nipples and an adult diaper.

Still, he shrugs it off with a smile. "I just do whatever she tells me to, whether it's pissing off a kitten and shoving him down my pants or sliding naked down the Jewel salad bar and taking a poo in the ranch dressing."

Recently, another cast member has joined the mix. Famous pastor Robert Tilton speaks in tongues as Swit slingshots golf balls at his testicles. Although he's been quoted in other publications as wanting to use the show to preach to the masses, all Tilton would say to us is "fresh pecan pie" or something along those lines. He's also well known for impassioned sermons punctuated by flatulence.

Sucking a pudding pop, Swit spends most of the time in her trailer going over stunts or worrying about locations. Thanks to its popularity, the show was recently given clearance to shoot at Mount Vernon, home of George Washington. One of the stunts backfired: a Big Wheel race down a gravel path launched Swit into a dung depository and Schumin into a ham house. Schumin had to have a wooden ham surgically removed from his anus. Swit suffered minor abrasions and spent hours trapped in the muck. "Oh, I didn't mind. It's not like I caught my tongue in Jamie Farr's pubic hair or something," she smiles.

Pudding stains her ample lips. "When I turned 60, I found myself staying in cheap hotels, giving head to truck drivers for fifty dollars a pop. I was well known for my deep cameltoe and loved showing it off in my red sweatpants. That was almost ten years ago. One night, I woke up in Shenandoah County Memorial Hospital have a gallon of semen pumped from my stomach and a gerbil extracted from my ass. I would have never imagined that now I'd be back in People magazine, swimming naked in a tank full of raw sewage or beating up Harry Morgan's wife."

"Finally, I have a very rich life. And a mouth free of cankers."

From People Magazine, October 2006